Pro-Me and The Matter of Mattering
Last weekend, we witnessed the commendable “No Kings” demonstrations in the U.S. For years, we have watched similar anti-autocracy marches in Belgrade, Budapest and Bratislava, as well as in places such as Tbilisi, Turkey and Thailand.
In the last decade, people in various countries have marched against a string of issues. Be it climate change, Brexit, taxes, immigration, the EU, and the last two years—the war in Gaza.
Why do people attend these demonstrations?
The short answer: to feel that they matter.
There is nothing wrong with that per se, but it is a problem if that is their only motivation. It is a problem when claiming to march for a good cause is merely an excuse for self-promotion—though you would probably have to put a gun to some of these protesters’ heads before they admitted that.
Because spraying soup on a van Gogh painting, shouting “Down with the Jews,” waving signs saying, “Defund the police,” doesn’t make you matter. It only gives you a false sense of mattering.
And if there is anything we humans are good at, then it is to chase mattering with the wrong tools, aiming at the wrong ends.
But what does it mean to matter, and why is it so important to us?
In their book “How People Matter,” Isaac and Ora Prilleltensky point out that mattering has two legs: It is about feeling valued AND adding value.
In other words: Feel valued + add value = You matter.
Hence, that protest with numerous selfies, those thousands of likes, or that shouting at opponents will not give you satisfaction. It will only make you thirsty for more of the same. Because it is all about you; it is not balanced by that other leg of mattering—adding real value to other people or to the planet.
And adding value is not something we “should” do to feel good about ourselves. It is a human need.
Or as the Prilleltenskys put it, “We have a profound need to make a difference in the world.”
The great deceivers
Yet, we are the great deceivers, and the easiest to fool are ourselves. As a result, we pretend that we matter by dedicating our time to things that have no real value, such as self-centred protesting.
You may think that a blue-haired demonstrator and an over-botoxed influencer do not have much in common. They do. They are both motivated by the same intense need to matter. As we all are.
Some try to matter by joining religious cults, the MAGA movement— or both.
(I wonder how many of those who voted for the Orange moron felt they didn’t matter?)
Others work themselves to death to get that promotion. And while doing so, they go bankrupt due to that car, house, watch or whatever.
Becoming a football hooligan or an obsessive supporter of a superficial celebrity are other ways to chase mattering.
In extreme cases, people become mass murderers because they feel they don’t matter.
In 13 out of 15 school shootings, the perpetrator had been bullied or felt excluded, according to research referred to in “How People Matter.”
Not to mention so-called fame-seeking shooters. “My friend said that my face and name would go across the world,” as one of them phrased it.” He said I’ll become famous.”
Then we have the ones who have given up mattering altogether and seek comfort in food, porn, drugs or alcohol.
Take any problem in the world, and you will find that beneath it lies a desperate need to matter.
Thus, the question we should ask ourselves before any other issue is this:
“How can we build a society where everyone contributes meaningfully—and in doing so, truly feels that they matter?”
Links:
When Fame Breeds Infamy: Shooters Who Want Attention, a Growing Phenomenon
“How People Matter” by Isaac and Ora Prilleltensky
Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to make other people matter.
